I look at the calendar. It’s been over 6 months now and yet I still find myself going back. What’s that now? The 6th time? And still it seems I haven’t learned anything. I keep relapsing and here I am again, thinking maybe this time it could work. Maybe this time I could get through and finally earn my place. Maybe if I stop doing what I usually do, wait…no I already tried that the third time. But what if I do it that way with a few changes here and there? Surely I must succeed?
I go on, confidence-filled for the sixth time trying to change an outcome that was predetermined by the cosmos. It starts off well, but of course it does, the ground work was laid many tries ago. Hope sparks up. Yes! Yes! This is it. This is the version of this existence that I want. This is how I wanted things to be…how I wanted us to be. All that remains now is to confirm whether it’s worked or not and to do that I must know how you feel about me, about us.
I ask her. She looks up at me. Her eyes project a gaze filled with pity and imminent heartbreak. She blinks twice slowly, swallows and sits upright. “You’re a great person really…” she starts off, but she needn’t say anymore. I already know how she will finish up her thoughts. Failure. Again. Guess the sixth time’s not the charm. The plan was perfect no flaws at all, but still flawed with one looming aspect: more failure expected from the first failure.
It’s like trying to drink spilt milk, or drinking evaporated water. Trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Like expecting a 12V battery to suddenly produce 200V. This is the limbo I found myself in.
I want to break free. I need to break free. Before this…this insanity, becomes me. But I know I’ll be back. All it will take is a simple smile, a hearty laugh or a simple embrace. Dammit. Seems even the thought alone is enough. Want to give it a seventh try? It could be different this time…